“I’ll be your Emmylou and I’ll be your June,– First Aid Kit
and you’ll be my Graham and my Johnny too;
No, I’m not asking that much of you
Just sing little darling, sing with me”
One of the things I’ve learnt about break ups over the years is that they are never easy, and they are never mutual. One party is always ready and the other one isn’t. That can play out in many ways. Either you cop it on the chin and take it with dignity; you fall to pieces and never move on; or you become bitter and resentful. I was now experiencing the latter with Liz, made all the worse because we worked in the same office.
Because of our long history I felt that I owed her a hearing even though she was becoming increasingly unhinged. I would say that final straw was when she pulled me aside in the office and presented me with a multi-page spreadsheet that mapped out every week of our five-year relationship which “conclusively proved I had been using her the entire time.” Apart from being ridiculous it clearly skipped over the fact that she had put the moves on me all those years ago and I had not sought her out and subsequently used her. I thanked her for her hard work and filed the pages where they would do no more harm.
Even though it took me years to realise that that relationship had been doomed from the start I never doubted for a moment that Alison and I were destined to be together forever. Despite only knowing her for a few months I knew that Alison was the one. I had to compare her to Liz – that was my only frame of reference – and the difference couldn’t have been starker. Setting aside the physical differences and mental issues, my relationship with Alison was normal while the one with Liz had been entirely dysfunctional.
There hadn’t been an issue that Liz hadn’t tried to win on or, if she hadn’t convinced me that she was right, then she tried to make me feel guilty for not sympathizing with her. And in the five years that I had been with her she did a pretty good hatchet job on my self-esteem to the point where I began to believe that any transgression on her behalf was actually my fault.
I never had any of these issues with Alison. We would always try to find a solution to our very minor problems. The hardest part was the distance between us, and we found ways around that as best we could; phoning, writing, visiting and it was always equitable. I would take leave to visit her or quit a hobby and she would forego activities or uni to come and see me. So, when we started to discuss our future, we were both willing to compromise for the greater good.
Jeremy actively began seeking a transfer to Sydney and I began investigating pausing my studies and getting full-time army service in Canberra. In the end I decided that it would be easier for me to come to Canberra for a year and that I would be able to do some long-distance study and find temporary full-time employment. A year was a long time but short enough to ensure that we didn’t end up in a long-distance rut.
The more we talked and planned the more I was sure that it would work. Besides, two of Jeremy’s sisters had moved to Sydney to be with their boyfriends and that was working out for them. Why couldn’t I do the same thing? And the exciting thing was that next year I would only miss him for a few hours each day when we went to work.
When I sat down and thought though all the permutations, I was convinced that I had a pretty bullet proof plan. I ran it past Camilla for a sanity check, and she gave the plan a thorough going over. I asked her to be brutal but, in the end, she concluded that it was sound and if it didn’t work, I had only missed a year of study which wouldn’t derail the rest of my life.
I was so excited that I rang Jeremy immediately to tell him my plans. He was thrilled and said that he’d start looking for a flat straight away. I couldn’t focus on anything else that day, so I wrote Jeremy another letter describing my plans for our first night living together as a couple…
There are so many things I want to do to you right now Jeremy, one thing being…I want to slowly undress you, your top to reveal your gorgeous chest and shoulders and those arms that caress and hold me so tight, your shoes and trousers, to expose your muscles and bum that I want to grab and squeeze and finally, your boxers that reveal that you being hard and erect.
We stand there naked in each other’s arms, kissing and touching as much as possible. I am taken by the moment, I am wet through and think it’s time, I push you onto the bed and straddle your perfect body, both moaning as you slip inside of me. I start slowly, still being able to kiss your succulent lips or your erect nipples and move my breasts over your chest. I start moving faster, slowly moving upwards until I am right angles to you. Moving up and down as high as possible, maximising the friction we get until…both of us are ecstasy. I see that frown upon your face, and I know the time is near, I what to make you squirm, shake and swear, calling out my name as you cum again and again deep inside me. We finish, lying there all wet through, again kissing and caressing, both with stunned looks on our faces.
I love you Jeremy Holland and I want to do this and more day after day, forever more.
PS For the re-enactment of the above, I will see you, in your bedroom next Wednesday, for the sequel, you must wait for a future letter.